HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
18th April 2020
I’ve been pacing back and forth thinking to start writing for the last couple of years and I guess the day was meant to be today. Today, [or actually the day I’m posting this] I’m turning 28 years young and it feels CRAZY.
Crazy that I don’t feel like 28 [although I don’t know how it’s supposed to be felt], crazy that time indeed flied, crazy that I’m closer to thirties now than twenties. [I KNOW!] A lot of the time I would comment “Oh, it’s just the number that goes up; but inside, it feels like nothing has changed”. But truly, I feel like the person inside me has been in a roller coaster of feelings for the past years; and I have surely changed.
So for today, I decided to compile over some bits of this roller coaster; the things I finally admit to acknowledge and the things that definitely shaped the person I am today.
1. First and the lengthiest one: “The age goes up and so does the self-love”, this is my ultimate discovery as of today; which I wish I’d realized bit earlier. I’ve read that there exist different types of self-confidence including core confidence, a person ultimately relying on oneself and a “shallow” self-confidence which I guess is more based on the looks and social characteristics. For feels like forever, I have defined the term “self-confidence” in terms of the latter one and made myself believe that “I, too, wasn’t enough”. I’m saying too because I’ve heard girls say this phrase A LOT. And I think those who say it are, excuse me, real people-pleasers; including me.
Friends and family would say a word on how I can be self-conscious or how I can be hard on myself, which is- a fruit of focusing and pivoting on others’ opinions.
Luckily, despite self-troubling self-judgments, I have come to realize that I am actually confident at the deep of my core. I just know that I can pull through anything; I know that even with “failures”, my decisions were and are always right and deep down I really know that I AM ENOUGH, if and ONLY if I stop seeking validation from others. Once I saw it; the “I’m not enough”s were not that hurtful anymore. I do still struggle to this day but it just doesn’t feel as bad.
As cliché as it may sound, no one is actually going to love you unless you love yourself. By love I mean respect too. And I believe that loving yourself becomes easier with age because you start giving less **** about what others think.
2. The truth is, people will judge you no matter what. Since it is impossible to control what shit comes out of people’s mouths, we can at least work on how we choose to hear it. Another struggling point for me, but definitely getting there, slowly but surely.
We’ve all been criticized at one time or another. You gotta do what you gotta do, and either way someone, somewhere will have something to say. You have gained weight, you have lost weight, you had baby too early, you’re having baby too late, you are this and you are that. Bonus: Asian society. So, if you don’t want to be criticized, do nothing, say nothing and be nothing.
3. Living with parents is DOPE and I’m never taking it for granted. One thing I will be proud of myself when I get older is that I have lived with my folks for as long as I did. Yes, there are restrictions and disagreements and “invading of personal spaces”; but the love and care are all well worth it.
4. Being in a relationship is GREAT and SO is being single. I have been through a serious relationship followed by a serious break-up followed by years of pleasant solitude, which was the ultimate self-befriending period. And I think I wouldn’t change a thing because thanks to all this, I know what I want and what I don’t; I know the value of personal space and I surely know what I deserve.
My message to those dying to be in a relationship is, you are most definitely not going to end up alone. So why not just embrace that small portion in life and just have FUN by yourself? Write a diary, read a book, dance, go travelling, I don’t know, get up and have fun.
[P.S: At age of 27, combating the social and biological pressure of getting married and having kids. I’m sure few years from today I will have the same message: “You’re definitely going to end up with a healthy baby, so stand up and HAVE FUN” haha. So trying to distract the fear of biological risks and blah blah and do really have fun.]
5. Which leads to the next point: have good friends! In general, I am blessed to always meet the right people in life. They all left a print in my life: some stayed and some left. And I’m lucky to have the best people by my side and call them friends.
And message to my friends: I may not be the friend who always picks up the phone or responds to texts; or I don’t know, does {insert a cheesy action}. But I know that I can be your diary; your confidant and your “partner” whenever you need to be heard the most.
6. Speaking of diaries, writing helped me a big time. I have had my first diary in 2nd grade. Even now, I find myself reaching out to my diaries when I’m upset. I feel like it helps me to clear out my mind and actually calms me down as most of the time I’d be fooled by my emotions. When the thoughts are developed and written down, quite often it looks as if it wasn’t even a big deal at first place.
Even when I’m not upset; I like writing because seems like writing accentuates what is written. Say, your goals, your commitments, your feelings etc. And hey, it’s a good excuse to have a quality time on your own too.
7. Yoga & Mindfulness. <Yogah citta vrtti nirodhah>
I shall promise to myself herein that, I, will be committed to being, as much as possible, mindful, present and flexible for as long as I can. I shall practice keeping the balance in my body, mind and spirit. May this promise haunt me till death. (hmm,, did I just write it?)
8. The four agreements. This book by Don Miguel Ruiz is one of my most favorite books of all time. If consistently applied to your life, the book will change your life! Long story short, the 4 agreements are:
· Be impeccable with your word. Your word is powerful, never use it to judge yourself and others.
· Do not take things personally
· Do not make assumptions. Personally, working on this more by simply asking questions. Because when you know the answer, there is no room for assumptions.
· Always do your best
Recommend 10/10!
9. Healthy is the new sexy. Yes it feels hella good when you look good and feel good. But as you “age”, you start to realize that nothing beats being healthy. Healthy organs, healthy mind, healthy skin, healthy breath. So I’m adding a fifth agreement: be healthy and be happy, from roots. 😊
But a good red lipstick is always a good idea.
10. The truth. I guess life is just what you make of it. “If life gives you lemons, make a lemonade”, or grow a lemon tree. Ain’t nobody gonna create that dream life of yours because you went to an amazing university in that amazing country. If you know what you want to be, go for it. Work for it. If you want to travel more, have savings, earn it. If you want to be in a better relationship, work on it or get out of it and move on. If you want good, then be good and DO good. [Also a note for my future self]
So today, for my birthday, I wish myself lots of love, both inwards and outwards; peace and kindness; and, most importantly, health and happiness.
Thank you for reading till this point!
May we all find a love within ourselves ❤
xx,
A 27-year old me
